March 9, 2006
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Comedy = Tragedy + Time
It's been months since I've posted anything original here. So, here's a sure
crowd-pleaser: my bad blind dates of the past! I had been saving these
for a future writing project, but I may as well publish them now. Unless otherwise indicated, these stories
indicate the actual moment that I knew the evening was sunk.These actually happened, with a minor embellishment in one of the stories.
It's
not intentional. I don't even know how I do it. But somehow I always manage
to step on my date's toes. This unfortunate, sweet girl confessed to me,
later in the evening, that she was insecure about her intelligence.Me: So what did you do this weekend?
Date: My friends and I saw the Pride and Prejudice video series.
Me: That sounds like fun. I haven't seen it myself, but I read the book in high school, and I have to admit that I really liked it!
Date: (legitimately impressed) That's a pretty big book.
Me: (taken aback for a moment, not knowing what to say. Then, leaning forward with a cocky, joking smile) Well, I'm a pretty smart guy!
Date: (looks at me silently)
I
knew it was pretty much over right there. But, just in case there was
any doubt, here's an exchange that took place one painful hour later.Date: So, Mark, do you have any brothers or sisters?
Me: (a little surprised, but politely) Yes, I have a younger brother who's studying at Duke.
Date: Oh yeah, I think I already asked you that.
Another
time, I was set up with an MBA student from Columbia. I walked in the
restaurant to meet her, and she had the classic MBA look: slim, well
dressed, attractive. I was impressed. Then:Me: Hi, I'm Mark. It's nice to meet you.
Date: It's nice to meet you too.
She shakes my hand firmly.
Me: Ow.
Comments (13)
based on this excerpt I can't wait for the book!
This Columbia girl, was she the post-op transsexual you told me about, or was that someone else you went out with?
Say whatever you like, but those post-op transsexuals sure know how to dress!
shinigami cup
golden!
haha ... wait you didn't actually go out with a post-op transsexual did you?
you went out on a date with frank? or should I stay Francesca?
johnny, please dont reveal my stage name to people, thanks.
i dont do dates - i only escort. have a good day
you didn't actually go out with a post-op transsexual did you?
No. At least, not that I know of!
All that story was supposed to mean is that she has the aggressive handshake of a Type A executive, and I have the soft, sensitive hands of a newborn baby. The tranny angle is my brother's wishful thinking.
Anyway, I should have known the comments for this post would veer into the homoerotic. What is wrong with you people?!
Clearly, someone needs to develop a repertoire of bailout lines. "By the way, I'm gay" is a good start.
mark, have you seen "hitch"?
Sojin, yes.
Thanks for the laughs, J2. My favorite story along those lines (the bad blind dates, not trannies) is a personal one. You already know what happened: Fresh out of college, I was smitten by someone and after a few months of longing, I decided to DTR/DOI (declaration of intent):
[Note: I hadn't even made it to the dating stage with this person yet, so J2 was miles ahead of me]
Me: [after a few lines of small talk at her house on a Sunday night]: I like you.
Her: I like you, too.
Me: [heart thumping] Well, I'd like to get to know you beyond a friendship level.
Her: [Very gently, yet firmly] Oh... Well that's where we disagree.
The story still makes me laugh. But it can't keep pace with the STRONG attractive MBA types. ;p
Since it's been three years, I'll come clean and admit that I didn't say "ow" during the last conversation: I actually said nothing. But my date's grip was unnaturally firm and painful -- the indicator of a hard-charging Type A personality. And in that moment, I knew that we could never be together.
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